Dear “Would-Be” Mama Battling Infertility - Mother's Day Series Part 3

Today, we're talking about a topic that is near and dear to my heart: infertility. More than 6.1 million couples - that's about 10 percent nationwide - battle infertility, which is medically defined as the inability to conceive within one year.  Despite the fact that infertility is a relatively common reality in our culture, it's still largely taboo and continues to be a source of shame for many couples who want children.

That’s why I’m excited to be interviewing Jenny Pierre, a dear friend from college, who — by God’s grace — is mama to her nine-month old son, Levi. I feel deeply connected to Jenny’s story because I witnessed her journey to motherhood from day one. I've prayed with and for her through surgery and multiple fertility treatments. Through it all, her faith in Jesus has been the foundation of her hope. My prayer is that Jenny's story will encourage you to trust God more fully, whether you’re battling infertility or just the uncertainty of life. And to all the would-be mamas out there traveling an unconventional road to motherhood, you are seen, lived and appreciated. 

Meet Jenny Pierre

Born and raised in her home country of Haiti, Jenny is well-known among her friends for her high energy and passion for life.  (It’s hard to be around her for more than five minutes without catching her infectious laughter!) She and her husband, Paul, have been married for six years and have one son who was conceived by way of in vitro fertilization. Jenny deeply loves Jesus, fashion and her family. Read on to learn more about Jenny and her family, and be sure to check out her fashion blog at http://aubonprixstyle.com/

Q: Describe your journey to motherhood. Were you aware that you might experience fertility challenges early on or did it take you by surprise? 

A: My journey to motherhood is complicated and one that definitely took both my husband and I by surprise. We are both young, healthy and in shape, so we didn't anticipate any problems having children. When we got married in 2012, we decided to wait three years before trying to have a baby. Lo and behold, three years to the date, we started trying and nothing happened for about six months. My doctor referred us to a fertility specialist, who in turn diagnosed me with four fibroids, all of which were outside my uterus and. She recommended that I get a myomectomy (a surgical procedure to remove fibroids without removing the uterus), and I did. However, Instead of four fibroids, they actually found and removed 15.

We were told that we could start trying to conceive again in three months, which we did. Six months later, however, I was still not pregnant. That's when my doctor suggested that my husband get tested and we learned there was a swollen gland in his hypothalamus that wasn’t sending his brain the proper signal to produce enough sperm. Thankfully, it was a treatable condition and he was placed on medication for three months to reduce the swelling, which was only mildly successful but he still wasn't producing enough sperm for us to naturally conceive. Naturally, it was devastating. After examining all the options available to us, we decided to move forward with two intrauterine inseminations, both of which failed. 

The breakthrough came when we learned that my insurance would cover about 90 percent of in vitro fertilization (IVF) procedure. Around the same time, my mom fell ill, so we decided to pursue that route with the hopes of conceiving as quickly as possible.

Q: What was the most challenging part of the process?

A: The most challenging part of the process for me was the constant waiting and the unknown. I read so many horror stories about people who have gone through many unsuccessful IVF cycles and finally quit after spending large amounts of money without ever having a baby. That must literally be the worst feeling in the world. I am extremely type A and a planner at heart, so not having control over the situation made it so difficult to just be still and let God be God. 

Q: What gave you the hope to keep trying?

A: Faith in God’s promises. Infertility can bring you to a very dark place where you question if you’re being punished or for mistakes in the past. It takes the word of God to get you out of that mindset and instead focused on His promises. We were also encouraged that Paul was producing healthy sperm so we had something to work with when we decided to go down the path of IVF. We knew all hope was not lost.

Q: Did you endure any awkward conversations about why you and tour husband didn’t have kids yet? How did you handle that?

A: Absolutely! I still remember one comment that hurt really bad. Someone said,  “Jenny doesn’t want kids because she doesn’t want to mess up her body.” I mean wow! Talk about a dagger. I was offended by how shallow this person thought I was to forego having a family just because of how it would affect my physical appearance. A lot of of people also pointed out that I rarely held kids at church, and another friend reminded me of a comment I made when I was 12 about not wanting kids. As part of the Haitian community, many older people don't filter what they say, so I endured a lot of insensitive remarks. Most of the time, I took it all in stride while wearing a smile. When something really got to me, I meditated on Exodus 14:14 to keep from going off on people: "The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.

Q: Why do you think fertility challenges are still so rarely talked about in mainstream society? What do you wish more people knew about the journey to conception? 

A: People are embarrassed. Men are afraid they’ll be viewed as less than, while women are afraid that they’ll be viewed as damaged or incomplete. I wish people knew that infertility doesn’t discriminate. It can affect you whether you’re black or white, rich or poor, successful or not. One of the things that really stood out to me was that our fertility doctor kept saying that my husband, Paul, didn’t fit the profile of someone with low sperm. Generally men who have low sperm counts are obese, or smoke regularly or frequently drink. Anyone who knows Paul knows he is at the opposite end of that spectrum, but he was still affected.

The journey to conception is not an easy one, but it’s one that is worth every sweat, tear and penny you’ll invest. I wish people knew they are not alone. Whether its fibroids like it was for me, or cysts or an incompetent cervix, it's all the same news. Today, someone else’s husband found out he has a low sperm count or was told their sperm is not viable. Another couple just learned they’re facing unexplained or secondary infertility. It sucks! It’s ostracizing, alienating and humiliating. We can't fix it, but we can de-stigmatize it by talking about it. We can teach people to be compassionate and learn how to be there for their friends and family. 

Q: What advice would you give someone who is experiencing the same or similar fertility challenges? 

A: Start early! One of the things my husband and I wish we did was to get tested (fibroids and sperms analysis respectively) before we were married. I feel like that could have better prepared us and save me tons of money on birth control. (Ha!) I would also say research your options in terms of insurance beforehand. One of the reasons we took so long to move forward with IVF is that we didn't know our insurance would cover the majority of the cost. Also, be prepared for the emotional, physical and spiritual roller coaster. IVF takes a lot of your time, money and energy, but it will also bring you closer to your partner. It also helps to surround yourself with who understand and support your journey. 

Q: What has been your greatest joy in motherhood? 

A: Watching this tiny person become more and more independent each day, and knowing that my husband and I single handedly have the power to shape this little man’s future in every way is just beyond amazing to me. His smile and joy is so contagious. If you've met my child, you already know he is a hoot, and I wouldn't trade him for the world.

Dear "Foster" Mama - Mother's Day Series Part 2

Welcome to Part 2 of the "Dear Mama" series! Today, I’m talking with my good friend and foster mom, Kristen Crew. Not only does Kristen genuinely care about people, she’s also passionate about following Jesus and obeying God's Word, as you’ll see from our Q+A! I’ve had a front row seat to Kristen’s journey as she’s lived out the Biblical command to care for the orphan, even when it meant taking in a child while pregnant! If you’re currently fostering or you’ve ever thought about fostering, you're definitely going to enjoy reading her story. And to all the foster mamas out there, you are appreciated!

Meet Kristen Crew

Kristen likes to think of herself as your average mom who wavers between mental sanity and complete chaos on any given day. She’s been married to her husband, Nate, for eight years, and spends a large part of her time chasing her three active boys, ages six, three and one. Upon closer examination, however, Kristen is anything but average. Just FOUR MONTHS after getting married, she and her husband moved overseas to pursue missions work. Several years later, they decided to pursue fostering the very same month they learned they were pregnant with their first son! In all her free time, Kristen works for a therapy company and is also active at her church where she serves alongside her husband in young adult ministry.

Q: What was your primary reason for pursuing foster care?

A: Nate and I wanted to practice what we preach in a tangible way, no matter the cost. The Bible talks about loving “the least of these (Matthew 25:40),” caring for the “orphan and widow in their distress James 1:27),” and loving “your neighbor as yourself (Mark 12:31).” As pro-life Christians, we believe every single life has the same amount of value and significance. That means whenever a mother chooses life for her child but is unable to care for that child herself, we have a responsibility to step in and help. We see through the Bible that God adopts us as his sons and daughters and gives us an inheritance, a hope and a future, even though when we have nothing to offer Him in return (Ephesians 1:5, Romans 8:23, Galatians 4:5). In the same way, we felt sure that God wanted us to love a child through foster care or adoption.

Q: When did you decide to begin fostering?

A: Nate and I moved overseas shortly after we were married to do missions work in the Dominican Republic. While we were there, we spent a lot of time working with orphans. When we returned to the U.S. the following year and realized we’d be here for the foreseeable future, we knew we wanted to continue living on mission the same way we did overseas. We both agreed that included foster care or adoption. In 2010, we entered graduate school as a young couple, but agreed to pursue foster care or adoption as soon as we were employed. Our prayer was that we wouldn’t “merely listen to the word” and its truth, but that we would do what it says (James 1:22). The very first month we both found full-time career positions, we knew we had to do something, even if it didn’t make sense or wasn’t convenient (because it never would be!) We did some online research, then attended our local county’s foster parent interest meeting. At one point, we briefly discussed whether we should look into international adoption or another route besides foster care, but we felt sure that this was exactly what God had for our family.

We immediately continued down that road, and got pregnant that very same month, even though we hadn’t previously been trying for a biological baby. We didn’t feel that my pregnancy changed God’s plan for us and our future foster children, so we kept pressing on (even though everyone thought we were pretty much crazy at that point.) Our first biological son was born six weeks premature, spent some time in the NICU and was quarantined from small children for a short time after that, but when he was three months old, we accepted our first placement. That placement came back and forth quite a few times for various reasons, followed by a 10-month old baby for one month before he went to another home. Now, that first placement has been in our lives for three years and will soon be our son forever. He just turned six, and is the leader of the pack to our two biological sons who are three and one. Our home is never boring, to say the least!

Q: What does an average day in your house look like?

A: This is a loaded question. Flexibility within structure is what works for us. My husband is in full-time ministry and I work flexible hours from home, but we have small children and are also managing all that comes with raising a foster child. As a result, our daily life has looked quite different at different stages over the past few years. A week of a typical foster parenting may include a lot of contact with our child’s social worker, scheduling around supervised visits with his biological parents, therapy appointments, and Court Appointed Special Advocates (CASA) visits. Although every family's experience is different, it’s absolutely possible and common for working parents to become foster parents. For mental health and your own personal sanity though, I do think options for flexibility within your work situation are lifesavers. However, I've also heard stories of countless individuals and families who are fostering with situations that I wouldn’t describe as flexible, and it works for them.

Q: What would you say has been the greatest challenge of this process?

A: The challenges for me as a foster mom have really changed at different times throughout the process. It is important to say first though, that none of our challenges have ever made us doubt our initial pursuit of foster parenting or a day of caring for a child in need. Instead, all of them have brought us to our knees many, many nights and days, which has brought us into deeper relationship with the Creator of the universe, who through His sufficient grace (2 Corinthians 12:9) continues to transform us into who He wants us to be. I wouldn’t trade in any of the challenges, what we’ve learned, who we’ve become, or how we have seen God use it all.

That said, our challenges have included everything from managing our child’s behaviors and needs, fearing the unknown future, and dealing with the child’s “case” within the court system. It’s often his daily needs that bring us to the end of ourselves, leaving us empty and depleted. It is here that God meets us with his new mercies every morning (Lamentations 3:23) and endurance and hope amidst trial that only comes from faith in God’s promises for His people. There are times, by God’s grace and through His peace, that I haven’t struggled with all the future unknowns, but then there are seasons when I play my own version of Randall and Beth’s “Worst Case Scenario Game” on This Is Us. I have often been reminded in those times of how, with the Lord, we can laugh at the future as described in Proverbs 31:25 because we know Who holds it. God has, and always will, continue to be faithful, just like He's promised. The “case” is my own categorization of all the court proceedings, mandated supervised visits with biological parents that often come with a child’s placement and affect them greatly, and the disheartening revelation of birth parents' choices and needs that affect everyone involved. We value the role of biological parents in each child’s life and initially support reunification until it is proven that is not possible, so I tend to carry the weight of their struggles and what the child will have to face as they grow to understand. My husband is quick to remind me that God is a burden lifter and not a burden giver so I am to serve and give it to Him to carry.

Q: What has been the greatest joy?

A: I would sum it up by saying that my greatest joy is seeing God’s faithfulness proven so true in all of our lives throughout this process. He has been faithful to meet me in the middle of the night when not a soul can help. His word and presence proves to be the refuge it promises. He has also been faithful to do a mighty work in our foster children, often tangibly showing us through their “case” that He cares about them more than we do. It has been so encouraging and rewarding to see undeniable growth and progress in the children in our care. We have countless tangible circumstances to look back on that we say “only God” that include a turn of events that led social workers and lawyers speechless and with jaws dropped out of shock at the unexpected events that led to important decisions regarding our foster son’s future. It has been a joy to see the impact these foster children have in the lives of therapists, CASAs, social workers, lawyers, teachers, specialists, and to see God use our lives and our expressed beliefs as it intersects with their work regularly. The joy has been in taking one baby step of faith and obedience after the other, and seeing it be worth it every time, especially when that is done as family unit.

5. Looking back, what do you wish you would have known before you started fostering?

A: I have to admit I’m kind of an anomaly. I began reading books and blogs about topics such as transracial adoption and trauma in kids as far back as I can remember. On top of of that, my education, career path, and friendships all helped prepare me for our time as foster parenting, so there's not a lot that truly shocks me. There is one aspect of fostering that always comes to mind with this question, although I’ve never shared it before now and have never heard it discussed too much. I completely underestimated the impact becoming a foster family would have on our extended families. We are very close to our families, although even if we weren’t, it would still impact everyone. Becoming a foster family has completely changed the dynamic for all involved and has added a layer of complexity that none of them signed up for when we chose to become foster parents. Everyone has handled it with unbelievably amazing grace, acceptance, love, and understanding, but it hasn’t always been easy for all of us. I don't think you need the approval of extended family to become foster parents by any means, but we consider it our responsibility and joy to help educate them in the process and keep communication very open. We also have to offer a lot of grace especially since the entire family unit changes each time a child comes, goes, or deals with issues your family wouldn’t otherwise have to face. We believe God wants us to be foster parents though, so we trust that by His grace, this is also good for all the cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents involved, and for God’s glory. We are inexplicably indebted to and thankful for our family’s support, help, and open arms since we became foster parents.

Q: What advice do you have for others hoping to travel down the road of foster care and adoption?

A: I agree with Jason Johnson in his book Reframing Foster Care (which is brand new and a must-read) when he writes, “Kids in crisis can’t afford to wait until it’s most convenient for us to care for them. They simply don’t have that luxury. And maybe we don’t either… at the end of the day, our ‘no’ will be much more difficult on them than our ‘yes’ might ever be on us."  I don’t believe it will ever be convenient or that your ducks will ever be in a row enough for foster care to “make sense,” so seek the Lord, and take baby steps of faith and obedience as you see God lead you. Don’t drown in the “what ifs” and the bigger picture… just do something. Not everyone should be a foster parent, but everyone should be involved in what God cares about, which includes the needy, the vulnerable, the voiceless. Don't avoid a leap of faith because of fear (of the unknowns, of the pain, or the life change). As the saying goes, “the will of God will never take you where the grace of God cannot keep you.” Definitely reach out to me or someone else you know who has walked this road. I am always very happy to talk these topics. Ask anything you’d like, and respectfully understand if we cannot answer all things due to confidentiality restrictions and legal matters.

Q: What’s one thing you’ve admired about your spouse through this process?

A: I admire how unwavering Nate is in his belief in God’s word - enough to lead us in living out boldly, no matter the cost. Out of the overflow of Christ in him, he is freely able to love sacrificially, forgive, continue with endurance, and to do it all without complaining or doubting. Literally, I don’t think I’ve ever heard him complain. I’m thankful he’s been my partner in this road since the very first day until now.