Gestation Diaries: To My Firstborn, Before Everything Changes

My sweet, sweet, boy,

In approximately 24 hours, life as you know it will change forever. You will go from being an only child to being a big brother. It will be beautiful and glorious and very, very hard.

Your baby brother will be novel at first, like your favorite Paw Patrol toy. You will be excited and curious, but not for long. In days, or mere hours perhaps, the newness will wear off. You will tire of his crying and neediness. You will envy the constant attention. You will wonder where he came from and how to send him back. And you will learn what it means to come second.

There are times you will have to wait because I only have two hands and two feet and that won't be nearly enough. It will hurt us both. I will struggle with my own inadequacy. I will pray for a clone and cry on daddy's shoulder. Part of me will feel guilty when you need more than I can give. I will do my best to always see you - to truly see you - but I will fail more times than I can count. 

In those moments, on the difficult days when we're both frustrated and on edge, when you want to read me a book but your brother needs a diaper change, when you start to question everything you've ever known about your place in our family, when life seems cruel - remember this: it was you who made me a mother. 

I didn't know I was capable of this kind of love before you. You helped me see past my selfishness and learn what sacrifice really means. My life was all about me before you - all about what I wanted and needed. You showed me that giving myself away is the most difficult work there is, but also the most rewarding.

Remember too, that this baby, is who makes you a big brother. He will teach you what it means to share, negotiate and forgive. For the first time in your life, you will experience on some small scale, what it means to feel responsibility for another individual. You will feel a duty to protect and tattle tale. You will help care for him and grow to love him the way you love us.

I pray he becomes your best friend, your confidant, and your playmate. I dream of watching you two build forts out of covers and roam around the backyard collecting sticks and rocks. I want you both to be known for your godliness and gentleness, and as the firstborn, I want you to be a shining example that he can model. 

But for now, there will be tension. Adjustment. Trial and error. Change. Fluidity. For a time, you may experience resentment and jealousy, but soon enough you will come to understand that your brother is not the enemy. We're doing the important work of building a family, dear. It will be messy and chaotic and nowhere near perfect, yet somehow, God will use it to sanctify us all.

So bear with us for a bit if you can. I can't promise it will be a smooth ride, but I can tell you that what's on the other side of these 24 hours will change us all for the better. And you, my dear son, will gain much more than you could ever lose, because we simply couldn't love you any more if we tried.

Love always,

Mommy